Writing Your Own Vows

Many couples want to write their own vows.  If your church allows this, it can make the vows more meaningful as well as more memorable.  Even if you are required to use church approved vows in your ceremony, you may want to write your own vows to be read at another place in the ceremony or simply exchanged privately before or after the service.  Before you begin this process, however, it is a good idea to look at the “traditional” vows.  They have lasted for many years because they include the most important reasons for the commitment of marriage.  

            Follow these simple steps to write vows with traditional purpose and personal meaning.

1.  Acknowledge the significance of the day.  Why are you standing there?  What will change?  What will continue? Traditional:  “Today, I take you to be my husband/wife, to have and to hold from this day forward to live together in holy matrimony."

2.  State your intention.  What will you bring to the marriage?  Will you be faithful?  What’s the length of your commitment?  Traditional:  “I will love you, comfort you, honor and keep you, forsaking all others as long as we both are living.”

3.  Mention one thing you particularly love about your intended. 

4.  Tell about a hope you have for your future together.  Traditional:  “I will support you in plenty and in want, in joy and in sorrow, in sickness and in health.”

5.  Make a personal promise.

            Keep your vows short and don’t use cliché, Hallmark card phrases.  Keep your vows tasteful and appropriate to be read in public.

Something Blue

Something Blue

Something old, something new 
Something borrowed, something blue

            Each item in the poem is a “good luck” item for the bride.  If she wears them all on her wedding day, she will live happily.  The “something old” represents continuity with the bride’s family and her past.  The “something new” symbolizes hope for her future and her new life as a married woman.  The “something borrowed” is supposed to be on loan from a happily married woman, whose good fortune will carry over to the new bride.  It can also remind the bride that she can count on the family member or friend who has loaned the item.

As for the colorful item, blue has been used to symbolize love, modesty, and fidelity.  Not sure what “something blue” to wear on your wedding day?  Here’s a list of suggestions:

Blue that no one will see

       blue undies

       blue slip under your gown (make it a little long so people may catch a glimpse of it when you move).

       blue tattoo

       blue garter (people will see it when your husband takes it off in the garter toss).

       blue embroidered wedding date on the inside hem of your wedding gown.

       blue shoes barely peeking out from your long gown.

Blue that is very subtle

       blue ribbon woven into your hair

       blue on a hankie for those tears of happiness moments

       blue tiny flowers (like forget-me-nots) in your bouquet

       blue ribbon wound into the wrap of your bouquet

       blue eye shadow

       blue jewelry with subtle aqua marine gemstones

       blue crystals in your tiara.

       blue on your hair clip

Blue that makes a statement

       blue dress

       blue veil

       blue nail polish

       blue shoes with a shorter gown

       blue clutch

       blue jewelry with bold colors like sapphire, or tanzanite

       blue belt on gown

I talk to a lot of brides and after the wedding day is over, many of them complain that the day went by so fast, they can’t remember it. Considering that it is supposed to be one of the most important events of your life, not to mention it is a once in a lifetime party, you really should remember it! It shouldn’t be a “blur”.
There is a scientific reason why many brides have difficulty remembering their own wedding day—stress! Hormones produced by stress actually affect the part of our brain that processes short-term memory. So, the obvious solution is to reduce the stress.
The best way to make your big day stress less is to pass responsibility to other people. This is a good reason to hire a professional wedding planner and coordinator. You should also plan to have a personal assistant. Choose a friend who isn’t in the wedding party who will happily serve your every need. Finally, make sure you have met and are comfortable with the actual vendors and managers who will be serving you on your wedding day. (They may not be the same people you spoke to when you signed a contract.)
Even if you can’t eliminate all of the anxiety involved in the event, you can still take some steps to improve your memory.

Take a break in your day. When you work on your itinerary, don’t condense the day. It doesn’t have to be; “How much time do we need…?” It can be; “How much time can we give to this activity?” Imagine having time at the spa with the bridesmaids to just sit around and talk over a relaxed brunch. (There’s a memory!) Imagine having time to drive down by the lake in the limousine with your wedding party while having a bottle of champagne. (Another memory!) I met with a bride last week who wants to have time to visit a downtown bar on the way to the reception. (A memory!) Get the idea?

Before your wedding day, make a list of mental “pictures” that you know you don’t want to miss. Spend enough time with your list that you feel confident that you will be looking for these “pictures” throughout your day. A snapshot of your groom’s face as you walk down the aisle—a memory picture of your Dad as he gives you away—a memory of the way your new husband’s arms feel around you during your first dance—another memorable snapshot of the sound of your guests cheering as you make your grand entrance…what’s on your list?

In some Jewish traditions, the celebration includes the yichud. For ten minutes, immediately following the ceremony, the couple spends time alone. One way to savor your wedding day is to find a way to spend some alone time with your new spouse. It could be a walk before or after a photo session, it could time in the limousine on the way to the reception. One of my daughter’s favorite wedding memories is the ten minutes she spent sitting in a hallway with her new husband waiting for the guests to be seated for dinner before their grand entrance. You can create a kind of private moment during your wedding by establishing a secret sign with a special meaning that only you and your spouse understand—like a wink that means “I love you”.

 Another approach to remembering your wedding is to enjoy the unexpected things that happen. After months of planning every detail, you may not want unanticipated occurrences, but instead of anger or frustration, embrace them, remember them—even laugh at those moments you didn’t plan.

Finally, be careful not to drink too much at your wedding. You know you won’t remember the stuff that happens during your drunken haze. So, enjoy a signature drink, drink some champagne during the toasts, and have your favorite cocktail during the dance, eat some food and keep a clear head.

Choosing Your Wedding Party

Choosing Your Wedding Party

     Now that you’re engaged, you have many big responsibilities ahead of you.  One of the biggest will be organizing your wedding party.

STEP ONE:  Planning
Before you start making a list of people, talk about numbers.  The number in your party impacts the logistics of everything wedding from the size of your wedding transportation to how you will stand at the front of the church, to the arrangement of the head table(s) to the time it takes to walk down the aisle and to take the photos.  Everyone that you invite to be part of your wedding party represents a financial commitment.  The larger your ensemble, the more you will spend on entertainment and gifts.                                 

Make a firm decision about who will be your attendant of honor.  This isn’t a role to be shared.  It may not be a role for your best friend, either, unless your best friend is also extremely organized and great at keeping you calm under stress.  

There is no “rule” about the number of attendants, but there is one about ushers.  You will need to have one usher for every 50 guests.  The ushers are extremely important to keep your wedding guests comfortable and informed about the event.

STEP TWO:  Choosing

             Let’s start by removing some of the myths about who you have to include among your bridesmaids or groomsmen. 

  You DO NOT have to invite the people who have included you in their weddings.

You DO NOT have to invite your siblings or your cousins unless you count them as those who are most important/close to you.

You DO NOT have to invite the spouses of the people your fiancé has invited.

   There isn’t any person—friend or relation who, according to etiquette must automatically be part of your wedding party.

     So, how do you choose the significant people who will be a special part of your most important day? Here are some questions to consider:

  Who are your confidants?  Who knows all about your romance because you shared your happiness her/him?

  Of the people on your list, who are most likely to still be in your life when you celebrate your 10^th wedding anniversary? 

  Which of your wedding party candidates will fit well into your married life?  Which of them are likely to be good friends of you as a couple?

  Who on your list have always been people you could rely on to help you out when you have been in a bind?

  Which of your potential bridesmaids and groomsmen will get along best with each other?

  Who will you have the most fun with during the events that lead up to your wedding and during the wedding day?

 

STEP THREE:  Asking

  When you approach someone that you would like to have in your wedding party, it should be a one-on-one or two-on-one (if you do it as a couple) time, don’t ask in a group, or on the phone, don’t text your request.

    Be prepared to tell the responsibilities that will come with the role you are asking the person to fill.  If you want your bridesmaids to work together to plan a bridal shower or bachelorette party—tell them before they agree to be a bridesmaid.

    Give an estimate (as close as possible) of the financial obligation that will come with the honor.  You won’t have exact prices for clothing, etc. but you should at least have a target price or a maximum that you can share.

Share the names of everyone else in the wedding party.  It shouldn’t make any difference, but if someone has a problem with another member of the group, it’s better to know at an early stage in the planning.

    It is possible that one of your chosen party members will not agree to be in your wedding.  If that happens, you should be gracious.